Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
