im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You pole danced in your parka.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
