someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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