I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
