We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
