if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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