What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Text me some of your sweat
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
