when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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