omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
