I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
