his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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