i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
