I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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