I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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