the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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