dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
