oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
