Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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