Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Randomize
