I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
