Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
