this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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