eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
