Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
