I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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