Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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