Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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