sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
