Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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