hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
