her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
