I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
