I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
