someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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