It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
