I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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