I think my vagina is haunted
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
True college students do jello shots in the library
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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