omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
