called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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