dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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