my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I believe in your delicious
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
