oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
