Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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