i think i have herpe
just one?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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