Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
