Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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