Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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