When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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