I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
