Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
