just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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