My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
