Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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