I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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