Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
