Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
