I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Randomize
