I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
