I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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