why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
