so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
