How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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