I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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