i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
